Hi there,
“I don’t do work projects, I only do life projects”
When these words came out of the mouth of my friend Lars, something shifted inside of me. It was an aha! moment. Yes, the sentence put into perspective how I approach life and work, but it was more than that: the way I saw my friend changed.
Lars had always been a dear friend; the kind I love spending time with as he is such a wonderful host. When you talk to him, he is caring, nurturing, and fully there. Most importantly, I love how he lives his life. When those words were spoken, I realized Lars is much more than my friend; he is my mentor.
The people who already have what we want
The people who already embody the way of living that we aspire. People who don’t just say smart things. It’s more like they simply state what they already live, in full alignment.
I’m not talking about mansions and big fat bank accounts. It can be to be lighter and more loving, have more energy, more fun, and pleasure. It’s up to what quality you are looking to expand more within yourself.
The people who already embody these things are people to learn from. These are our teachers.
Envy vs Connecting
Filled with envy, some people believe that if there are other people who already have what they want then there is less left for them. It’s a scarcity mindset. Or it’s simply that other people’s success reminds them of their current limitations. And so criticizing, gossiping, rejection, and other not loving emotions and behaviors appear.
What if the way to get to what they want was to embrace the people who have already made great progress towards it?
If we don’t have what we want, it’s mainly because there is a blockage within us that is preventing us from shifting our reality. Maybe we can see and understand it on a mental level, but there is a click missing, that is not allowing us fully embody it — and therefore we live in misalignment.
We say a bunch of things that we don’t stand for. Like when we want free time, but keep booking up ourselves. We understand the future is not written and it is a result of our actions, that we are the creators of our reality — but keep the status quo and live in pessimism. We say we understand abundance but live in scarcity. Or when we say love is everywhere, we are all one, but keep taking selfish decisions and are emotionally unavailable. Words are empty if we can’t live them. Alignment is gold.
Mentors are people who are more aligned (at least in that specific department that we are working on, I mean, nobody is perfect). Thereby they expand us by showing us other ways of living, of seeing, of being. They show to our brains, which are struggling between an idea and its execution, how to actually do it. These people are teachers, telling you look at me, for a good reason. All in all, these people are expanders. The more time we spend by their side and under their influence, the more we will be able to expand in that direction (if we don’t drown in jealousy).
No wonder expansion is meager when, instead of listening to these people, we listen to people who don’t stand for what they say or have never come closer to what we are aiming at.
As Jim Rohn has famously said:
“we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with”
If we are not with the people who have what we want, we are with people who don’t, which will just make the process harder on us. That is one of the reasons why it’s so normal for people on the spiritual path to leave old friends behind. The other part of the equation is to be able to make new friends and mentors, who will help us expand in our journey, and make the adventure more joyous and enjoyable.
I'm not telling you to discard some of your beloved old friends and family. This is an invitation to see who you are neglecting to bring into your life and if you are stagnant in the power of connection. Some people in the spiritual path have a tendency to over isolate themselves (something I have been guilty as charged).
We are on planet Earth to live here and live well, and not to exclude ourselves from all. This is only using spirituality as escapism. We go on retreats to expand more, to see clearer, so we can live better when back. A big part of our learnings can only come through relationships. It’s easy to be alone and think that, with no one to bother us, everything is fine. It’s only with other people that we can see how jealous and irritable we are, how insecure we are, how unable to relax, open up, and connect we are.
In the words of Khrishnamurti:
“Life is relationship, living is relationship. We cannot live if you and I have built a wall around ourselves and just peep over that wall occasionally.”
Types of Mentorship
We can see so many people as our mentors at the same time. It’s just a matter of awareness: do we know who they are, so we can watch them closely?
A famous artist or authority in a field can be your mentor. Like when you play guitar and love Ray Vaughan. You watch videos and videos of him playing and observe technique closely. Or when you read every single book and talk of Elizabeth Gilbert and feel connected to her. These people inspire you, even if you never get to know them.
There’s no need for a formal invitation. We need to know what we want and have the awareness to identify who has it. With the willingness to observe, we can learn from them and do the work.
You can then take an extra step and reach out to them, see if you can bring them into your life. Like when you attend a lunch and meet a new person who has that spark in their eyes and touches you deeply. There’s something about them that you truly admire. Shyness and shame tend to be contractors here, or the self-consciousness of not having it, if not the feeling of envy. Can you bring these people into your life, and, by taking that step, move out of contraction?
And, of course, it’s possible to officially work with a mentor through a mentorship program, a coach, a teacher, and pay them for their dedication to you.
Today I have so many mentors: officially 3 teachers that I am not in touch regularly but the connection is fully there, famous people and authorities that I pay attention to like His Holiness the Dalai Lama and the performance artist Miranda July, and friends who are off the charts in terms of what they show me is possible. Like my friend Lars.
The beauty of all my called mentors, be it friends, successful people I might never meet, or teachers I pay or have paid for, is that I never needed to look for them; they simply showed up. Hence the saying:
"When the student is ready the teacher will appear.”
It’s only a matter of whether we can recognize them, and take the step to take them into our lives.
Alright, so I all do is surround myself with these people, right?
Parts of the shift happen by osmosis, by association, as we naturally bring our attention to different things. As the conversation (and music) of a dinner table of physicists would be different from that of a dinner table of circus contortionists.
Other parts require extra effort. When I say Lars is my mentor it means that when interacting with him I am doing a bit more than just enjoying his company; I am also observing him, reflecting on what I take in.
Not everything happens on its own; to go that extra step we are more aware, intentional. It’s all a matter of what we care about. If we don’t care about expanding, then well, we don’t. We may shift, but that is a reaction to our circumstances, and not necessarily always as an improvement of your condition — we can all contract, and start neglecting ourselves. What you care about, you bring your attention to.
Let me tell you about my ex
I had once a romantic partner who had the habit of writing emails to everyone whose work he loved, no matter how famous they were or not.
Be it a book he read or talk he watched, if he was deeply touched, he would reach out and say hi.
It was not about networking and expanding his connections. He enjoyed thanking the person for their work but it was more than that. He had this habit from the mere consciousness that he wants to have in his life people who inspire him, who lift him up, and he cannot have that if when touched he just walks away, anonymously. Sometimes he might not get a reply, while others might become a stronger tie. Awareness and gratitude are powerful forces.
At the same time, it takes two to tango — or, as my very first boyfriend used to tell me when we were 15 years old, what one of us don’t want, the two of us don’t get to do. Any relationship is an exchange of some sort. Are we able to show ourselves fully and what we have to offer?
For someone to enter our lives, as we open the door, their eyes also need to shine as they see us. And so we give a part of ourselves to them. Not because we have to coax them, but because we genuinely want to share ourselves with them. That is what we do with people we care for; it’s a matter of openheartedness and not being so insecure. To get more, we give more, and so life keeps flowing.
There’s a difference between expansion and creation of our dream life as a hobby, something we think about and keep meditating on, and actually living and embodying it, living from that place of expansion, which is a place full of life and joy, and not a place of struggle, shame, or scarcity.
Is there anybody that inspires you deeply that you could pay more attention to and bring more into your life?
See you next week,
Aline
Ps: Want to work with me for your spiritual growth and soul fulfillment? Learn more about my work as a spiritual guide and energy worker.